


I’d Never Let You Reach That Point Again

by phansaesthetic (casisgraceful)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:37:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7756294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casisgraceful/pseuds/phansaesthetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is a recovering self harmer, and it’s been a few months clean. Phil (his boyfriend) is SO incredibly proud of him. But then Dan’s home alone for awhile and something happens that he accidentally cuts or burns himself, and Phil walks in just at the wrong moment so it looks like Dan relapsed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’d Never Let You Reach That Point Again

**Author's Note:**

> You can see art for this fic by landphil on my blog phanlions on tumblr please check it out the art is amazing

It was 2013 the last time Dan hurt himself, it was during the time when the phandom was getting big and breaking into his personal life which made him put up defenses he didn’t want to and become a person he didn’t want to be, and, for a period of time he had broken things off with Phil, the only person who knew exactly what to say when his mind became too cloudy for him. There was one night that year when Dan’s mind was playing games with him and made him think he was a terrible person who couldn’t be loved and that the horrible things he said to Phil were so unforgivable that the one person he loved with all his heart would never love him again and he couldn’t see a clear path out of the this weighted blanket of darkness that was draping over his mind and he knew it was stupid and he knew it was dumb but he went for the blue and purple veins to cut off the pain that his heart pumped to his body. He woke up the next day in his bathroom covered in his own blood and the part of his mind that wanted him to stay alive finally woke up. 

The next day he checked himself into a psychiatric ward and even though he was pretty sure Phil hated him he called him and told him what had happened. Of course Phil didn’t hate Dan and came immediately to see him when get go there he wasn’t sure how to feel when he saw his best friend and boyfriend in a small cell like room, and while his arms were wrapped in gauze he could still see a lot of blood that soaked through them which caused his stomach to twist. Dan had stayed in the psychiatric ward for two weeks which wasn’t the normal time someone who had a close call with death would stay but because he had voluntarily gone to the ward he didn’t have to stay the normal time period. Phil visited everyday those two weeks and saw how the pills they gave him had done nothing more than numb his mind and it was during those two weeks Phil had promised to himself he would never let Dan reach this point again. After the two weeks were over Dan was released with a prescription for pills and a recommendation for a psychologist and gradually Dan got better and eventually he was able to get through days without needing to take his pills. 

A few months had gone by and Phil was proud of Dan for getting through what was probably the hardest part of his life and eventually everything went back to normal. They uploaded videos more often and although there were some people who wanted to know why Dan was away for so long most of the people respected their privacy. 

Everything was fine until Phil came back after being at his parents for a week to see Dan with a knife in his hand and blood running down his arm making it look like Dan purposely cut himself again but in reality he accidentally cut himself trying to open a pack of batteries but Phil didn’t listen to Dan when he tried to explain what happened. Phil tried to take Dan to the psychiatric ward himself but because Dan didn’t harm himself on purpose he refused to go causing Phil to take drastic action and call the police who handcuffed Dan and drove him to the psychiatric ward.

Dan was there for a month this time, Phil didn’t visit as often, he had to keep up with their ever growing channels but he was there the day Dan was released with a bag of Dan’s favorite things. Dan said nothing when he saw Phil, instead he quietly slid into the Uber waiting outside. It was a very quiet week when Dan came back, he barely said anything to Phil and when he did there was a harsh undertone. Phil couldn’t figure out why Dan was so upset with him and he knew that Dan wouldn’t talk to him so he wrote Dan a letter asking why he was upset with Phil and asked for a response so he could reconcile their relationship.

Dan responded to Phil’s letter with this “I’m upset because you didn’t listen to me when I told you that I had cut myself by accident. I thought you were understanding but apparently not. Places like I went to do nothing but douse you in antidepressants and then release you back into the world. I didn’t need to go. Please understand that next time when I say it was an accident that it is because I would never harm myself on purpose again” Phil felt so terrible that he had done that to Dan and had no idea how to make it up to him so Phil wrote a letter back apologizing to Dan. “I’m sorry Dan it’s just that the first time it happened I was so afraid and promised myself I’d never let you reach the point you were again. I just don’t want anything to happen to you. You’re my best friend and I love you so much I can’t imagine not having you in my life. Can you accept my apology?” Phil slid the letter under Dan’s door and waited outside. A few minutes later Dan came out of his room and hugged Phil telling him that he understood why Phil did what he did and that he wanted to be in his life forever too but he would need to start trusting him. Phil of course agreed and after a conversation full of ‘I’m sorry’ and more hugs things went back to normal again and it’s been that way ever since.


End file.
